


the things that we’re concealing will never let us grow

by addendum



Category: Trailer Park Boys
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 04:28:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17318096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addendum/pseuds/addendum
Summary: A night of casual banging between Ricky and Julian leads to some unexpected love confessions.





	the things that we’re concealing will never let us grow

“You’re so hot, man.” Ricky panted, his hot breath hitting Julian’s neck in a wave. 

Ricky was currently being pressed up against the wall of his best friend’s trailer and loving every fucking minute of it. Between Julian’s strong hands and natural air of dominance, Ricky felt completely at his mercy—and goddamn, was it wonderful. 

“Ricky, will you please shut the fuck up?” Julian growled before ducking down to start on a lovebite just under his neck, in a spot where a shirt would cover it. 

Ricky rolled his eyes but obliged. Julian seemed to struggle with the fact that he and his lifelong best friend had been engaging in some behavior lately that was decidedly non platonic, but Ricky didn’t get what all the fuss was about. In fact, he’d never understood why Julian had to take anything so seriously all the time. 

The two of them had been superglued to each other’s sides since the day they first met, and it just so happened that they were also extremely attracted to each other. What was the problem with that? In Ricky’s mind, messing around with Julian made perfect sense. It was just banging, for Christ’s sake! It wasn’t as though they were getting fucking married or anything. Not that the concept was so unappealing...

Ricky snapped himself back to the present, shoving that thought as far from his head as he could. Banging Julian was one thing, but actually developing feelings for him? Out of the fucking question. Their lives were complicated enough without adding more fuel to the shitfire. 

Ignoring the lump of anxiety beginning to form in his stomach, Ricky did his best to focus on how good it felt to have Julian’s hands all over him, marking their territory. As they roamed under his shirt, Ricky moaned softly into Julian’s mouth.

Julian pulled away briefly, fixing Ricky with a stern look. The piercing blue of his eyes did little to soothe the storm of confusing emotions currently swirling in Ricky’s gut. 

“You’ll tell me if you want to stop, right?” Julian asked. With hooded eyelids and a smirk, Ricky nodded. 

He trusted Julian with a fierceness that could only come from decades of loyalty. He’d let Julian cover him in more than one gunfight; in comparison, this all seemed tame. 

“Just keep going, Julian.” 

Julian didn’t hesitate to do so, running his hands even further up Ricky’s back and then winding them back down again to lift the shirt he was wearing up and over his head. He then removed his own shirt, giving Ricky the perfect view of his broad shoulders and well tanned chest. De-e-e-cent. 

“Lube’s in the drawer.” Julian grunted, referring to the nightstand nearby. 

Ricky narrowly avoided collapsing on the floor in a heap as he reached into the drawer, all the while hanging off the bed. He retrieved it hurriedly, knowing how impatient Julian could sometimes be. 

“Can’t believe you pay for this shit.” Ricky teased as he handed him the lube. “You know spit’s free, right?” 

Julian paused for a moment, open bottle in hand, and gave Ricky a look of sheer disbelief. 

“You are so fucking greasy, man.” He said decisively, coating two fingers on his left hand with lube. 

Ricky grinned, pulling off his pants and torn up boxers to toss them to the floor, and looked Julian right in the eyes. 

“Greasy?” He asked. “You don’t know the half of it. Or the other half or the other three quarter things or any of that.” 

Julian quirked an eyebrow amusedly, attempting not to break into a smile and failing at that task miserably. 

“You should’ve quit while you were ahead, Rick.” 

Before Ricky could get defensive about his flirting skills, Julian was pinning him to the mattress with a subtle smirk. Ricky felt very naked all of the sudden, seeing that he was completely bare and Julian was still wearing everything but his shirt. 

“You gotta get those pants off, man.” He said, reaching up to tug at Julian’s jeans. 

Julian’s stare darkened, and he leaned forward until he was speaking directly into Ricky’s ear. 

“Don’t you remember who’s the boss here?” He asked, and the low, seductive tone he was using practically made Ricky melt. 

“Sor-sorry, Jules.” Ricky said, undeniably flustered. 

Despite his declaration, Julian did indeed take Ricky’s advice and begin to strip off his pants and underwear. Ricky took in a deep, shaky breath at the sight of his larger than average cock; he’d seen it a few times now, but it never failed to intimidate him. 

“You like what you see, Rick?” Julian asked when he caught him staring. 

“Big time, man.” Ricky replied, wondering how stupidly lovestruck and lustful he looked. 

Julian chuckled, pushing at Ricky’s chest so that he fell flat on his back. Ricky felt an immediate urge to kiss him, but he didn’t want to look needy. His stomach filled with pleasant surprise when, unexpectedly, Julian planted a brief but tender kiss to his jaw. 

“I can prep you now, right?” He asked, once again applying lube to his fingers. Ricky nodded, subconsciously spreading his legs. 

Cautiously, Julian stuck one finger into him, then two. The sensation caused Ricky to make some very undignified sounds—strangled moans and nervous gasps coming out of his mouth with no warning. 

“You like that, huh?” Julian teased. “And all that noise is just from my fingers? I don’t know if you can even handle my cock.” 

Ricky felt sort of weird all sprawled out on his back, listening to Julian taunt him. It felt really vulnerable-like and kind of embarrassating—but in a good way. He found that being submissive to Julian filled him with a kind of arousal he’d never felt before. Ricky didn’t have long to consider that thought, because Julian did something new with his fingers and another moan came sliding out of his mouth. 

“You think you’re ready?” Julian asked. 

His voice was soft. Gentle. It assured Ricky that he was safer than he’d ever been. He was so used to prison and fighting and being in danger, but laying beneath Julian made him feel so protected. It felt good not having to act all tough for once. 

“I’m ready, man.” 

He closed his eyes as Julian inserted his cock inside him. The first time they’d done this had hurt pretty bad, but now the pain was less sharp and didn’t startle him so much. Julian grunted as he moved his hips, sending a wave of pleasure through Ricky’s body. 

“Mmm.” He groaned as Julian went further inside. 

“You like that, don’t you?” Julian said. “You love being underneath me, Rick.” 

Ricky nodded fiercely. Julian was remaining so perfectly still that Ricky was sure he had to be doing it on purpose. A second later, his suspicions were confirmed.

“I’m not gonna move until you tell me how out loud much you love my cock, Ricky.” He said. “Just admit how badly you want it.” 

The words triggered a feeling of throbbing arousal through Ricky, and this was made ten time times worse when Julian moved one hand from off of the headboard and onto his cock. Ricky inhaled sharply, wondering how long Julian would tease him for if he came right now. 

“I love it, Julian. I fucking love it. I wish you could—oh, god—be inside me all day. Just—ugh—fucking move already!” 

Julian shifted his hips, a smug expression on his face. Ricky could tell he was proud of himself for being so damn sexy, and who could blame him? Anyone with that amount of raw sex appeal would be at least a little arrogant. 

“I always knew you’d love to have my cock inside you.” Julian muttered. “I always knew you’d beg for me like a slut.” 

“Only for you, Jules.” Ricky responded, overcome with desire.

He’d confided in Julian a few weeks before that he was turned on by verbal humiliation, and now Julian was delivering in a big way. 

Under any other circumstances an insult from Julian would have sent Ricky into rage, but somehow this was different. Putting the demeaning words into a sexual context made him go crazy with burning arousal. He felt like he could spend the rest of his life buried in the sheets of Julian’s bed and being called a greasy whore. 

Ricky felt uninhibited. He felt excited and blissful and...this was getting completely out of hand. In the very back of his mind lingered a vague warning telling him to keep his feelings in check, but Ricky had never been good with self control.

“God, Julian!” He cried. He brought his hands up to grip the sides of Julian’s face desperately, pulling him in for a deeply passionate kiss.

Julian reciprocated with just as much intensity, returning the kiss as he sunk even lower into Ricky. In doing so he brushed against Ricky’s prostate, causing him to cry out. 

“Woah!” He barely managed to yelp. Ricky wasn’t eloquent under normal circumstances, and now he was within the throes of magnificent sex with the guy he was probably in love with. 

Julian shifted, and the movement stimulated Ricky even further. As Ricky had discovered the first time he and Julian slept together, achieving orgasm via his prostate was an experience nothing else had ever come close to. 

It felt like a brand new set of nerves had been discovered and manipulated, resulting in unfamiliar bursts of pleasure. The newness of the contact paired with just how hot he found Julian made for sex that was, in Ricky’s own words, “fucking wicked”. 

Ricky wanted to tell Julian to go faster, but the words got caught in his throat. He moaned loudly as Julian once again made contact with his prostate, the spot that was quickly becoming Ricky’s favorite part of the body. 

“Come for me, Rick.” Julian prodded.

A few more thrusts sent Ricky reeling, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he came. It was one of the best orgasms he’d ever experienced, if he was being honest with himself. He was seeing stars as Julian began to climax with him, exclaiming some incoherent string of swear words. 

Blind with pleasure, Ricky went in for a kiss but got Julian on the cheek, Julian was filling him, exploding into his body in ecstasy. Ricky was pleased to note that he looked incredibly satisfied.

“Was that good for you?” Julian asked, his voice heavy with exhaustion. 

Ricky told himself to keep his mouth shut. He told himself that nothing would come out of an admission but heartache. There was no fucking way Julian would respond well if he knew. Somehow, none of this was enough to stop Ricky from croaking out a confession. 

“Fuck, Julian, I love you.” 

The words had escaped Ricky’s mouth without consulting his brain at all, and he immediately wished he could shove them back in. Julian froze in place for a second before drawing back, looking incredulous. 

The adrenaline racing through Ricky made it difficult for him to focus on his mounting horror and humiliation, despite the dumbass thing he’d just done. He collapsed backward, panting, as Julian began to pull out. 

When his now limp cock was all the way removed, he jumped out of bed to begin pulling all of his clothes on. Ricky felt his stomach sink, finally realizing he had just fucked everything up for good. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He muttered as he reached for his own clothes. 

Characteristically, he’d never found post-sex cleanup to be strictly necessary. He pulled a tissue out of a box on the bedside table and wiped up some of the sticky mess, then promptly tossed the garbage on the floor. 

He only bothered to yank on his boxers, but immediately went to the pocket of his shirt for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Jesus, did he ever need a smoke right now. 

“Julian!” He said as he lit it. “I’m fucking sorry, okay? I fucked up. Although, its also kind of like your fault because...”

“Are you kidding me, Ricky?” Julian demanded gruffly, cutting him off. “What the fuck did we say about feelings?” 

Julian had apparently been blessed with the remarkable ability to dress at lightning speed, because his shirt, boxers, and black ring were already back on. The look on his face was one that Ricky was familiar with; it meant that things were about to get serious. 

Ricky couldn’t believe that Julian had the nerve to be so angry with him. After all the bullshit Julian had pulled through the years? No way. Absolutely not. Ricky was pissed now, which meant that it was fucking on.

“Well how in the fuck am I supposed to control how I feel, you dick?” He fired back. “I can’t help it that I love you!” 

The two fell silent for a moment, listening to their heavy breathing, before Julian erupted in a low, guttural sound of frustration. 

“Leave it to you to make things ten times more complicated than they need to be, Ricky.” 

“I’m not making things complicarated.” Ricky shouted. “I’m being honest! Do you know how hard it’s been for me to keep that inside? No, you don’t because the only person you care about is Julian!” 

This only pissed Julian off more, and the glare he sent in Ricky’s direction was filled with so much fury that it took him off guard. 

“You think I don’t care about you?” He demanded so loudly that Ricky feared it would wake up Bubbles, who was asleep next door in his shed. 

“That’s what it fucking seems like!” Ricky hissed. “All you do is use me, Julian. You use me to throw off the cops, you use me for my awesome fucking dope growing, and now you’re using me for my body.” 

The words hit Julian like punches to the stomach. Ricky didn’t think he cared about him? Was he being serious? 

“Let’s get one fucking thing straight, Ricky,” He spat, “because, as usual, you have everything all wrong.” 

Ricky rolled his eyes, adjusting the gold necklace that he always kept on. He took a puff of his cigarette. 

“Of fucking course. Julian’s right, and Ricky’s a fucking idiot. Same as its always been, huh?” 

“Will you just take a second to fucking listen to me?” Julian asked. 

Ricky looked at him, surveying his expression. Shockingly, he actually looked remorseful. His features were painted over with guilt. 

“Fine, Julian.” Ricky said tiredly, crossing his arms and leaning into the bed frame. “Go ahead and tell me why I’m wrong.” 

There was a brief period of silence where Julian paused, then took a deep breath. He looked nervous, which in turn made Ricky nervous. Julian was the one who always kept his cool. He didn’t get scared. The knot’s in Ricky’s stomach grew tighter. 

“You’re crazy if you think I don’t love you, Ricky.” Julian said solemnly. “Like, certifiably fucking insane, man.” 

“Well, Julian,” Ricky said, “I don’t know what the fuck certifibility means, but I know that sometimes it feels like you don’t like me. Like you think I’m too stupid for you.” 

Julian sighed. He couldn’t deny that he and Ricky argued all the time, and he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t sometimes say things that he knew would hurt Ricky’s feelings. It sucked, but both of them could be pretty cruel sometimes. 

“Ricky, I’m sorry for making you feel stupid. You aren’t stupid, man. You grow better dope than anyone I know. And you recognize that family is more important than any other bullshit. Not too many people figure that out before its too late.” 

“I know that, Julian. You sure haven’t.” 

Julian supposed that he deserved that, so he didn’t argue. He wanted to wrap Ricky in his arms as a means of apologizing, but he didn’t know how that would be received, considering that Ricky was still giving him the unimpressed look of someone waiting for an explanation. Julian knew that he deserved one. 

“Would someone who didn’t love you to out of their way to make sure you were safe all the time?” He asked. “That you had food to eat? No way, Ricky. You’re my priority. Of course I fucking love you.” 

Ricky didn’t know what to do with that statement. He knew, of course, that Julian cared about him. He could be a dick sometimes, but he had a good heart. None of that changed the fact that the way he loved Ricky was completely different than the way that Ricky loved him. 

“I really do appreciliate all the shit you do for me, Julian.” Ricky said. “But I can’t be banging you anymore, alright? It hurts too much.” 

Feeling miserable and embarrassed, Ricky begun to climb out of Julian’s bed so he could get dressed and out of the trailer as soon as possible. Having been essentially rebuffed, he felt the sting of the rejection weighing heavily on his heart.

“It hurts too much?” Julian echoed confusedly. 

Ricky shrugged, not understanding why Julian looked so lost. He pulled his shirt over his head, and some relief washed over him as he abandoned the vulnerability of partial nudity. 

“Yeah, Julian.” He said. “It really sucks to bang someone who doesn’t love you like you love them. Feels like shit, actually.” 

Julian gawked at him, appearing baffled. He took a quick swing of his drink. 

“Ricky, I just told you I love you. Do you have the memory of a goldfish or something?” 

Ricky felt frustration rising in his throat like bile. He hated feeling stupid, and right now he felt completely clueless. It felt like he’d missed some very important piece of information from Julian’s side of the conversation. 

“You love me like a best friend, Julian.” He explained slowly, patronizingly. “And unfortunately, I love you like a fucking...I don’t know. Romance type thing.” 

Julian’s eyes widened, and he shook his head. He took another sip from his glass before he setting it on the dresser, stepping forward to approach Ricky. Ricky was half expecting to be hit in the face, but Julian only touched his cheek with one hand, cradling his face. 

“...Julian?” Ricky asked, his heart beginning to race. 

“I love you like a romance type thing too, you idiot. And everyone in this fucking park knows that except for you.” 

He used the hand still on Ricky’s face to pull him forward, giving him a soft kiss. Too stunned to kiss back, Rick froze for a moment before breaking into a giddy smile, laughing into Julian’s mouth. 

“Holy fuck, Julian, are you being serious?” 

“Of course I’m being serious!” 

“I love you too.” Ricky laughed. “But I guess you already knew that.” 

Julian crashed their lips together once again, intertwining their fingers. Both men deepened the kiss, allowing it to go on for a few minutes before Ricky pulled away. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He asked breathlessly. 

Julian frowned, obviously eager to get past this part of the night and move on to more kissing. Ricky looked at him expectantly, though, and Julian resigned himself. 

“Well, I guess...” He trailed off. “Goddamnit, this sounds so fucking stupid now that I’m actually saying it out loud.” 

“What is it, Julian?” 

Julian sighed, looking uncomfortable. Whatever he was about to say clearly wasn’t something he was proud of. 

“I guess...well, you’ve heard how some of the guys in jail talk about gay people. And the guards, too. I guess I didn’t want anyone to stop respecting me because they found out I...like guys. I thought it would make me seem weak or something.” 

Ricky gawked. He would be the first to acknowledge his own intellectual shortcomings, but for once it was he who was astounded by Julian’s ignorance.

“Who cares what dumb little pricks like that think, Julian?” He asked. “We don’t need the respett of anyone who would think less of us because we like having cocks rammed up our asses.” 

Julian flinched at the unnecessarily graphic wording, but he seemed to consider the point nonetheless. If Ricky didn’t know better, he might even say he looked sheeplish. 

“I know that, Ricky. You know I’ve never had a problem with other people being gay or bi or whatever, but it’s different when it’s you. It’s hard, man.” 

Ricky couldn’t relate to what Julian was saying at all. Shame wasn’t something Ricky felt often, and he certainly didn’t feel ashamed once he realized he was attracted to men. So what if some dicks didn’t like it? They could fuck right off. Still, he nodded as Julian spoke.

“I get it, Julian. And we don’t have to tell anyone about...whatever this is. It can be our little secret. Except for from Bubbles, since you know I told him about the banging while we were getting drunk last week.”

Julian rolled his eyes. 

“Right. Thanks a lot for that, by the way.” 

“No problem.” Ricky said. “But, uh, I do sort of have another question.” 

The look in his eyes made Julian nervous, and his stomach swirled in anticipation of what Ricky might say. The anxiety was alleviated when Ricky’s serious expression shifted into a sideways smile. 

“Did you mean it when you said that everyone in the park knows you love me? I mean, is that for real?” He asked. Julian laughed.

“It’s totally for real, Rick. Bubbles nearly killed me when he found out I slept with you before I even took you out on a real date.” 

“A real date? Yeah, maybe you should take me out on one of those. Could be cool.” 

Julian pictured the two of them together at some nice restaurant, dressed in their nice clothes and talking softly. It sounded really nice. 

“I can take you on a date soon, Rick. But for now....” 

“You want to get drunk?” Ricky guessed. 

Julian grinned. 

“You read my fucking mind.”

Ricky dragged him in for another kiss, the taste of Julian’s liquor lingering on his tongue.


End file.
